Hi Chris 👋. I actually like the original formation of your haiku ie on the tent/ the first morning /cicada shell . I think the “fragment” rolls off the tongue a bit better and I still made the conection to or the juxapostion of tent and shell. To my ear, dropping “on” does make it sound very harsh and direct. Perhaps because Im never up quickly when hiking 😁
Hi Chris 👋. I actually like the original formation of your haiku ie on the tent/ the first morning /cicada shell . I think the “fragment” rolls off the tongue a bit better and I still made the conection to or the juxapostion of tent and shell. To my ear, dropping “on” does make it sound very harsh and direct. Perhaps because Im never up quickly when hiking 😁
Hi, Sean! Yes, I think I prefer the original as well, at least without the dash. Too much like "this is that" otherwise.
What are your thoughts on senryu in English?
I'm reading Dr Shirane‘s article on Haiku at the moment so, let’s say, it's fluid. I'd say I write about 50% Senryu, in which they are serious.